Curriculum Vitae (via Rockius Godsium)
Donny Osmond years
Born in London with one cross eye (not angry, turned in so all it could see was my nose). Operation to straighten eye so it wouldn’t get too bored. Patch stuck over good eye to make bad eye look around properly. First nickname: Long John. Sigh. Want a pony, get a spacehopper.
David Bowie years
Feel too pale. Experiment with fake tan/foundation/bronzer combinations. First Official Crush romantically peels off part of my cheek during first date and thinks up charming second nickname: Pledge (a furniture polish). Start dressing as Bowie in his stern, military period. Want a boyfriend, get riding lessons.
Robert Smith (The Cure) years
Barry Manilow month
Leave school to pursue writing/acting dreams. Get a job in a posh shop selling Loch Ness Monsters. Chase posh boys. Get a job in PR. Chase sporty boys. Hide from gorgeous, smitten gazillionaire castle-owning racing driver as part of carefully thought-out plan to make every romantic mistake possible in order to strengthen character and authorial credentials.
Mike Patton (Faith No More) years
Meet French rock god, Didier. Chase him. Catch him (he’s quite slow on account of carrying three saxophones and an amplifier). Get married. Get job writing adverts. Spend spare time shaking hair at gigs. Get whiplash and third nickname: Diane Messyhairdo.
Doomed Flirtation with Thom Yorke (Radiohead)
Write first book, Butterflies & Demons (a comedy about fear and death!) Romantic Novelists’ Association love it and introduce me to a brilliant agent who sends it to publishers who ‘Love it, but…’ Don’t know how to fix the ‘but’. Lay face down on carpet.
Back with Mr Patton
Although I have selflessly dedicated my life to studying the male human species, amazingly, I haven’t got a PhD. Can you believe it? I know, it’s shocking. Anyway, I would really like one, especially from Oxford because even walking past makes me feel more intelligent. So, venerable Governors, if you’re reading this, I take a medium-sized mortar board and can be available for lavish presentation ceremonies in flower-strewn hallowed quadrangles at very short notice.
Pic sources tbc